You Cannot Be Serious is ESPN The Magazine’s satire page. Because, you know, this whole sports thing? It’s meant to be fun!
As the 2019 Cup season races toward the playoffs — no more left turns! — we take a behind-the-dashboard peek at what top drivers keep in their cars.
“In case of an emergency, I keep a bag packed with four different passports, $50,000 in cash and a wide variety of wigs. Plus some protein bars.”
“Typically I ride with a few works by da Vinci or Michelangelo, maybe a Raphael. Having an invaluable contribution from one of the Renaissance masters riding shotgun reminds me to play it safe on the turns.”
“Mostly just enough cash to give the pit crew a decent tip. There’s nothing worse than telling the guy who rotated your tires you’ll just tip him double next time.”
“Obviously 100 bottles of Pappy Davis’ moonshine. Goes down like lightning, comes up like thunder! We’re still doing that, right?”
“It wasn’t by choice, but for the past few races I’ve had just one loose bottle cap sliding and rattling around in the interior.”
“Despite repeated warnings from my crew chief, I keep 2,500 pounds of free weights in my car for good luck.”
“I used to keep a drawing of my ‘happy place’ taped to my windshield, but it disappeared. It was of an island, free of cars, where there are no roads, only sidewalks. Where speed is a dirty word and man is content locomoting solely with the two feet that God gave him. Cars are the worst.”
“That weird drawing of an island Kurt Busch taped to his windshield.”